Are you ready for some GROCERY SHOPPING!?

I hate football. But I like the Super Bowl.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t actually watch the Super Bowl. Nor do I watch it “for the commercials”, which strikes me as the stupidest possible way to spend an evening, even for someone like me whose time is worthless. Really, corporations beam their hypno-rays into our eyes enough as it is — I don’t need to specifically seek them out.

No, I like the Super Bowl because of its status as an unofficial American holiday. During the hours of the Super Bowl you can pretty much count on businesses and streets being deserted. Like real holidays, very few people are out running around, but unlike real holidays, most businesses are still open. That makes it the ideal time to run errands for anyone who loathes traffic and crowds.

Back in college I used to do my grocery shopping during the Super Bowl, which is an extremely odd experience. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a library or another public building after dark, but the sensation is very similar… you’re in a place that’s normally designed to accommodate large groups of people, but it’s completely empty. It’s like you’re exploring the ruins of an ancient civilization… the trappings are familiar, but somehow the deathly silence and lack of human life makes it more haunting and eerie.

Another good Super Bowl activity is going to the movies, where you can usually count on having the entire theater to yourself. No one normal is going to see a movie when society is telling them that the Super Bowl is a must-watch event. I haven’t done that in a while (mostly as a consequence of there not being anything I wanted to see in theaters on Super Bowl Sunday), but it’s a fun way to spend the evening.

Of course, the best thing about the Super Bowl is that it indicates that football will stop wasting my time for a few more months. Maybe this year we’ll get lucky and there’ll be a work stoppage, freeing us from having to suffer through football season for a whole year!

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